Posted in Journal Posts

Some Direction, Please!

I want someone to tell me my prophecy. I want someone to just give me an idea of what is next for me. Maybe that would give me some direction in my life. I could use some direction. I want to find out what my calling is in life. Is it just writing? Is it to be a mother? Or just to float around for the rest of my existence? That last question was very dramatic I know, that’s something you will learn about me. I have three sisters, and I am very dramatic. Yes, that was me blaming the dramatics of my life on them. They taught me everything I know.

I have been told I would be a good mom; that I have that caretaker vibe around me. I won’t deny I do, hence the whole unable to be selfish and think of myself thing. I always did want to be a mom, but the concept scares me now. With the world that we live in nowadays, I am so scared to raise a child in this world. I am sure that every point in history that has been a similar argument for parents across the globe, but that doesn’t change the fact that today’s world is scary. How would I explain to them that there are some people out there in the world that want to hurt you even though they have no idea who you are? How do I explain to them that there are people in the world who like to put people down, and judge them based on their heritage, the way they look? How do you make a kid understand that? How do we teach them that they need to be a good judge of character and also give people second chances because the first impression isn’t everything? But at the same time teach them to not let people walk all over them? I still haven’t properly learned how to do that! I have watched grown adults still trying to learn how to deal with that.

Another thing, I would be scared to send them off to the movies, to the playground, to a concert, hell even to school! My old high school in New York almost had a shooting situation. I am grateful to this day that it never happened because during the time frame the shooter planned to take action my sister and I would have been in the classrooms that he planned to attack first. Luck was on our side that day, or God was, I don’t know. But today there isn’t anywhere you can be safe. Maybe we were never truly safe, and these people have just shattered that illusion we had made for ourselves. It’s definitely made me more aware of my surroundings. Or more paranoid depending on how you look at it.

Getting back on track, I need some direction. If someone out there in the cyber world knows of a psychic, I could use one right about now. I just need to know one thing; one piece of my future that can push me along, so I stop standing frozen in my tracks. I need something to push me out of my fears and worry. “The only thing more impossible than staying is leaving.” I love that quote. I don’t know if that was in the movie or the book of Eat, Pray, Love but it speaks to me on a whole new level. I have seen this movie countless times, but at this point in my life, I see it in a whole new light.

I wonder how many people watch that movie and do just exactly that. Airlines must have been so happy when that came out on the big screen. I need to re-read the book. It’s been too long since I have read it. The movie changes my perception every time I watch it, I can only imagine what the book will do for me again.

Sorry for all the rambling, this site is my diary. Probably not the smartest idea I ever had, but I really doubt anyone I know at this moment is actually reading this. And the ones who actually are reading this have nothing to worry about.

Until next time…


Writer, just trying to figure out what's next.

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