Posted in Journal Posts, Posts

Hold On

I got a little story I would like to share with the class. It’s nothing special, and definitely not significant. But it’s something that I need to get out of my system, one that has been sitting in the back of my mind for so long that it needs to be released.

There was this boy that I knew back when I was fifteen. I had known him for my whole life back then. I met him when I was four or five, I don’t really remember. I don’t know how we met; I think it was in the classroom. My mom probably knows more than I do. But my first memory of him from when I was a kid was when I was in my basement by myself. I was trying to entertain myself, and I just remember feeling sad and lonely. Then I heard someone walking down the stairs, and there he was. The joy that swept over me was unbelievable. He made me feel so happy every time I saw him.

And that was always our friendship. This unbelievable happy all the time. Even when I was a massive pain in the ass, causing stupid drama that didn’t needed to be caused, he knew how to make me smile whether he knew it our not.

As we got older, we still remained close, drifting every once in a while then coming back to one another time and time again. High school of course came around and tried to ruin everything, with its witches but I thought our friendship was stronger than that. Until all hell broke loose.

My parents told me we were moving.

I remember starting to become distant, and pushing people away. I started to become afraid and worried about my future. I told people in random situations. I remember I told him when we were talking in the math class we had together. I just blurted it out. I didn’t wait for anyone’s reactions, nothing. Still to this day I don’t know how he felt about me leaving.

Another small detail I left out was that I had a huge crush on him. From the time I turned fourteen until the moment I left, I had feelings for him. I don’t think he ever knew, or maybe he did and that’s why he started pushing me away when I moved. I remember feeling so sad when he stopped keeping in touch with me. Everyone continued on with their lives like I wasn’t important to them at all. I can name so many people that hurt me by ignoring me, but he ignoring me is what hurt the most.

Once graduation rolled around, I had barely spoken to him ever. I went to the schools prom; I hung out with old friends that I barely speak to now as well. I remember having so much fun and wondering if he was having any fun that night too. I wanted to see him, but that wasn’t an option. Then I went to their graduation, and I remember feeling the tears come as I heard everyone’s names being called that I knew. It was like looking at a former life, and now it was going to be no existent even more so now. We were all going off to college, starting new lives. We would never see each other again. And I was right. I never saw any of them again except one, and I haven’t seen her now in maybe two years.

Friendships fade really easily if you don’t put the effort into it. My heart is all healed now from that break of a friendship. I still miss him, I felt like I could tell him all my secrets and he would never whisper a word of them to anyone. Maybe he did, I will never know. I probably will never see him again. It has been over seven years now since I have seen him. I still miss him, like I said I consider him my best friend. I don’t know if he has ever thought of me since he last saw me. I hope he is happy, and loved. I hope that his father is doing better each day that is health improves or stays in a positive way to see him get married and have kids. I hope his mom is happy and healthy as well, that she is still smiling all the time and caring about everyone around her.

I still remember the last time I saw him. It was the day of graduation. I was pacing back and forth outside of the gym wondering if I should go in there and say hi. I probably waited out there for a good ten minutes before I got up the courage to enter. I saw him standing with another old friend who I can’t even remember when I last talked to her. She was always nice and sweet to me. We were really close for he longest time, but then the move happened and no more. Surprise, surprise. I don’t remember what I said to them that day. Don’t remember what they said to me. I just remember feeling nostalgic. I knew it then, like I know it now. We wouldn’t be seeing each other again. Maybe. Somehow we would see each other again. I hope.

Moral of this rambling story is, if you feel someone is important to you, and I mean you don’t think you can live without them hold on. Dig your claws in, hold on tight and never let go. I lost someone who meant the world to me and I wish every day I had them back. I wish I held on, but I was a stupid teenager who was petty and liked to hold on to grudges. I regret that. I thought I knew everything, I thought I had all the answers back then. Hell up until about a year and a half ago I thought I had all the answers. But I know nothing. Sad thing is I knew that then too, but I was so sure I was making the right decisions and cutting out the right people.

I can write all day about my regret. I’m sure everyone can. All we can do is move forward, and hope that the universe has something wonderful in store for us. We need to make our own future, and I am trying my hardest to create mine to reflect all that I have worked for and all that I have wanted. I’ll still hold onto losing my best friend as my biggest regret though. I’ll use that lesson to reflect my future friendships and hold on to the ones that I just can’t let go of.

Until next time…

Justine

Author:

Writer, just trying to figure out what's next.

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