How is it that some of the most intelligent and beautiful women let themselves be belittled and used just to feel desired? Why do we allow ourselves to become less so that we can feel wanted? When did we start doing less so that our loved one can feel like more? Why do we do it? Why is the most important thing in the world to be loved?
I’m not judging because I’ve been there before. I have been that girl who belittled herself and put her career aside to help a guy feel like more when he was trying to be more. That relationship ended up not lasting because I realized he didn’t want to be more. I was the one pushing for him to be more. And that was my mistake. For being something that I wasn’t and forcing him to be something that he wasn’t. The things we do for love.
If I had just admitted to myself from the beginning that this is not what it is, then maybe I could have saved both of us from heartache. But it was something we just had to go through. We were almost, but not quite.
I have to believe that somewhere out there there is a person who compliments me and wants me to succeed in the best ways, even though love scares the crap out of me. And yes, I said compliment not complete. I hate that when people say that. “oh one day you will find that special someone who completes you” no! I do not think there is someone that “completes” you because that would mean that you aren’t complete until you find “the one”. Which is total bullshit. That just sets you up for failure. There was a discussion about this on Sex and the City about whether they believe in soulmates. Hell, it’s been discussed on every TV show out there! Friends, HIMYM, New Girl, Rules of Engagement, Grey’s Anatomy, etc. Me personally, if you couldn’t guess already, I don’t believe in soulmates. I know I have probably touched on this before, but I don’t care I’m doing it again.
The word itself scares me a little. Though the definition is not terrifying at all, a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. The pressure that society has put on the word and the expectation of the word is what is terrifying to me. If I were to believe in soulmates, I would rather it be a friend then be the person I love.
But even a friend being a soulmate makes me nervous. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at holding onto friends either. In my world people slip through the door and out of your life without saying a word. It’s scary how fickle people can be, me being one of them. For the majority of my life, I have been afraid to be dependent on someone. Because if that person were to leave what the hell would happen to me? When I love someone, truly completely love someone I give them everything. I feel everything and I learned that very quickly. I learned this because even when I just simply liked someone and spent so much time with them when they left for good I was broken.
So I push people away so they don’t get too close. It wasn’t from being in a bad home, because I lived in a pretty good one compared to most. It wasn’t because my parents divorced and they destroyed what love meant to me. My parents are still together going on 30 years, they argue but you know they love each other. It might be because of what I saw my older sister go through but that’s a small might. I’ve always been this way especially after I read Twilight by Stephanie Meyers. I never wanted to be Bella Swan. I never wanted to love the way she loved because after her “mate” was gone she let herself fall apart. Her world was destroyed all because of a guy, well vampire but still a guy nonetheless
I was one of those who wrote fan-fiction about Twilight. I re-wrote Bella’s story so that she didn’t fall apart as badly as she did. And that she didn’t take Edward back so easily, she made him work for it. And that she knew her self-worth because she deserved to believe in herself she deserved to be happy and know that she could be happy even without the love of her life there. That she could choose to live without him but she didn’t want to.
I can’t put all the blame on Stephanie Meyer’s characters though. But it did have an effect on how I looked at love. How I read books from then on out. After reading those books I thought back on all the classics that I thought were romantic. Like Romeo and Juliet. I thought that that was love. When I read it again in class, I told my teacher they were idiots.
I remember getting glares from other girls in class from this opinion. But I clarified. I did think their words were romantic and they could have been capable of love, but they are idiots if they think that just looking at each other that they are in love.
They were infatuated not in love.
The only book that I thought the characters were actually really in love was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. They grew from knowing one another. The woman wasn’t the only one to change, the man changed too. And for the better! Not for worse. All the others felt like they just fell in love too fast. I always wondered though, what happened after? After they lived happily ever after, what happened? Did they stay happy? Maybe time has made me skeptical or cynical as some would say, but can anyone tell me how happily ever after goes? What do you have to do, what do you have to give up?
Which brings us back to when is it too much? Why do intelligent woman and also men give up so much for love?
Until next time…