I have about a million emotions flying through me every day. I can’t decide anything when i feel this way. All I know if I want to live. I want to stop surviving, and start living. I need to take more risks and remember those big dreams I once had. There is nothing wrong with dreaming big, and having those expectations for yourself!
I have so many feelings about what this will all mean for me, what this will mean for the ones around me. But I have to remember that I shouldn’t let anyone else’s feelings get in the way of my own happiness (I know for sure that I have said this at least once or twice on here). When you have lived your whole life trying to follow other people’s expectations it is hard to change that point of view. I am working so hard at it, it terrifies me so much. I am working on living my best life. Any tips?
At the same time though I need to live in the right now. I am so focused on creating my future so much that I forget what is going on in the present day. How do you manage to balance the two? I think I used to know how to do that, I am not so sure anymore. The here and now is where I want to be, but I want to have the future open in my mind too. I guess you just can’t plan too far ahead. Right now I am just planning six months into the future and it is stressful, but it helps to settle me down. Anymore than that though would send me into the looney bin.
I have all these feelings about whats expected of me, and what I expect of me. I have all these feelings about what my future should look like and what I want out of life. I can’t seem to keep on thought in line with another. One minute I want this the next I want something completely different. I don’t know how some people my age are making these decisions to spend the rest of their lives with some people when I can’t even make a decisive decision on what I want to eat or wear. Some people just have it together, it’s amazing to me.
One day I hope I have it somewhat together. Some people tell me it’s a part of my charm (eye roll) how chaotic I am. It apparently makes me interesting. I think it makes me a mess. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder I suppose. I just need to find someone who will love me enough to deal with my crazy ass mess of a self. Something tells me I am going to be like this all my life. In someways I hope that’s true, in others not so much. I bet everyone feels that way. I hope so, it will make me feel a little less alone.
Until next time…
(inspiration of today’s post: